Before and After

BEFORE: low self esteem, bad eating habits, chronic fatigue, moodiness, anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness, over activity to burn calories, bad gut issues, binge eating and restricting calories, frustrations, escapism, taking my weight multiple times a day just to "beat the last weight" I took ...⠀
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AFTER: stronger love of myself and my so-called flaws, need less sleep, have more energy in general, active, engaged with my babe, feelings of worth, standing firm in my truths, eating a plant-based diet, strengthened self control over food and eating, well portioned meals without skipping, frustrations that are now met with solutions, living life. .⠀
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All of these things have ZERO to do with a number on a scale, the size of my waist, or my appearance at all. There is so much more beyond the transformation photos. There is so much occurring INSIDE the body that means more than anything outward ever could. ⠀
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I haven't stepped on a scale in years. I don't know how much I weigh. So when I had a required physical for work on Monday I mentally prepped myself. ⠀
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I declined to get on the scale. This usually confuses the nursing assistant who is collecting your vital signs. But in this instance, the physicians assistant, who was going to complete my physical, was also listening. Obviously frustrated and irritated, she cut the assistant off, walked over to me and asked me to step inside another room. She stated that my weight is required to calculate my BMI. ⠀
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"I understand. I am a nurse. I also have not stepped on a scale in years and it has never been an issue" I told her. ⠀
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"Then I do not feel comfortable completing your physical," she said. She was irritated, abrupt, and demeaning. ⠀
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I did not argue with her. Instead, I felt sorry for her. As a physicians assistant, if the most uncomfortable thing she did that day was complete my physical without knowing my weight, then she has it easy. Never once did she stop to think WHY I declined to step in the scale. Nor did she even ask or try to get to the root of he problem. And as a nurse, I thought to myself, things get uncomfortable.

Patients, circumstances, shifts worked, family members get uncomfortable. I have cared for patients being the first person in the room with them knowing the reason they haven't felt their baby move. Knowing that they will never take their child home. I have delivered dead babies, resuscitated 24 week infants, helped 12 year olds give birth to their first baby. I have cried with patients, held their hand and comforted them to the best of my ability. 

Regardless of what happened during that visit- know this. This body is my zone. This is my squish. This is my strength. This is my earthly home in this body. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, it matters how you're doing. Because nobody occupies your body, heart and mind but YOU. 

Don't forget that. 

You have permission to dictate how you live and love it.