Surrender

  • Surrender is often associated with a negative connotation and even the definition itself has nothing positive to say. When Sawyer and I are having an epic sword, grenade, gun battle fight.... picture me (always) surrendering with either my white flag or a "fatal" blow.... giving up and giving in and Sawyer dancing in victory.⠀
    .⠀
    So when @_amy_grace asked me to share a few words and a photo of what surrender meant to me for her blog The Chorus... I was humbled, yet honestly felt a little stuck. I kept thinking to myself, "man, I am no stranger to surrender. My life is a series of surrendering." Surrendering to the scale, surrendering to an abusive husband (and i quote him, "Grace. I ALWAYS win"), surrendering any dreams I had of a family only to become a single mom.⠀
    .⠀
    So I pushed that word into the back of my mind. Often thinking about what it meant while I was out for a long run or trying to journal about it yet unable to fill the pages.⠀
    .⠀
    It is no coincidence during that week the word surrender kept popping up in the most unexpected places. It was showing up as podcasts, song and tv episode titles. It came through in my emails and friends were having conversations with me about what it meant to surrender. It was also mentioned as a significant point in my mastermind group of incredible ladies. 🙏🏻
    .⠀
    The universe, God, a higher power, source energy, whatever you want to call it has this incredible ability to bring things full circle. Maybe the universe was giving me guidance, maybe it was shedding light on the reason I felt stuck in writing about surrender (looking at surrender from the completely wrong perspective). Or perhaps it was leading up to a more significant events that would happen later that week.⠀
    .⠀
    What I've come to realize is that in the process of surrendering I also removed myself from trying to control the outcome. I stopped telling myself I needed to weigh less than 120lbs to be loved. I've learned that single moms are incredible, strong and brave. And that my mom deserves so much more credit and praise than she's ever received. 
  •  
  • Most importantly, I stopped giving a shit whether people believed me or not about the abuse that happened during my marriage because the truth was there all along. It just needed to make its way to the surface.
    .
    And that's exactly what happened last week. Along with the word surrender showing up in multiple outlets it also showed up in a more significant way. I have no idea when I fully surrendered to the idea of what thomas truly was. What our marriage was (and wasn't) and that the results from that abusive marriage are very REAL. That maybe the truth would only find the light if I used my voice and that other people needed to hear my story too. When one of thomas' family members contacted me, apologized and said "I understand now with Thomas"... the word surrender made its way full circle. That fight and the truth I was so desperately seeking for others to hear understand finally surfaced.
    .
    I feel like surrender oftentimes feels like this photo. It's like you're searching for clarity. The picture is hazy and your eyes are straining.... searching for a focal point that you're never going to find. It's not until you accept the fact that the clarity you're so desperately seeking will only show up when you finally surrender, that you can finally see it for what it truly is.
    .
    There is strength in surrendering, loves. Where will you find yours? 
  •  
  •  
surrender.jpg